fat and happy

My 100lb problem flourished when I became a happy person.

Let me explain.

There was a time when I was unhappy and situationally depressed. Felt like nothing was going well and every part of existence seemed to be a struggle. I convinced myself that if only I got a better job, more money, a bigger house, lost the weight and just THINGS – then I could be happy.

As I do in my life, I read many books and philosophies about happiness to try to learn how to be happy.

The only idea that really resonated with me was that happiness can’t be contingent on a thing or a situation. If happiness is tied to a job or a house, what happens if those things go away? And even if I got a bigger house or a better job, would I eventually become unhappy again, since there’s always an even bigger house or even better job?

A few years ago I traveled a lot for work. I would travel to countries where people had very little as far as material items. These people struggled…for real struggled. I remember eating dinner late one evening at my hotel, and chatting with the waiter. He mentioned he lived nearby, but he was vague on the exact location. I knew that likely meant he lived in nearby slums that had homes built out of corrugated steel and tarps, with no running water or electricity. He spoke of his children and asked about mine. He beamed with pride and spoke with joy about his life. And he seemed to be a happy person.

I would experience this a lot over the years as I traveled the world and it made me wonder…what the fuck was wrong with me?

Why couldn’t I be happy? Being free of clinical depression or any mental illness, I could not understand why I couldn’t be happy.

So, I decided to be happy. It was not easy and it took a lot of work. I decoupled the things and the job, the weight and the house from my idea of happiness. I had to try to be happy and grateful no matter what. And over the years, it became easier to live my life that way.

I began to just be happy with who I was and whatever situation I was in. And I accepted myself being overweight.

Because I became a happy person and had no fucks to give about being overweight, I never truly wanted to lose weight. Why would I?

I mean, there are benefits to being overweight.

  • I don’t have to exercise
  • I eat what I want, when I want.
  • I get out of doing strenuous labor around the house.
  • I’m in that sweet spot of lady clothing sizes where I still have plenty of choices.
  • My husband claims it doesn’t bother him.

So, why lose the weight?

To convince myself to do the work, I have to identify the reasons why I want to solve my 100lb problem. And I have to accept that trying to lose the weight doesn’t mean I am not happy with myself or that I don’t accept myself. Simply a way to improve myself.

I may have been fat and happy all these years. I would really like to try healthy, fit and happy.